The Quest for Happiness

There is a torrential downpour. A-Mo went to the doctor last night. She was having pain in her leg thinking it was sore muscles. Turned out to be two blood clots. Woah. My classroom is right next to A-Mo and she is always there when I need to talk. Was very worried about her today.  On top of this my financial situation is leaning towards dire. I may be eating cans of tuna this month..... the dented ones even.  I am horrible with money. I love to spend it. Wether I have it or not.  I just want to do nice things for the people I love. I am super nervous about being in T-town next year.... but at least I know a few people there. It is not like moving to V-town where I knew no one and seriously felt like I started from scratch. I spent the first two weeks before school started reading the ENTIRE Harry Potter Series... Though I wouldn't trade my time at Hogwarts for anything it was a tough time in my life. I am also closer to GraceSister without moving further from JoySister. Which is ...

Who do I tell?  I want to include people in my life, I want to let them in. I feel as if I don't want to share too much though. I don't want to give up my secrets. I think subconsciously I don't want people to find out who I am and not like it.  I am emotional. I don't stress well. My feelings are easily hurt. I am a people pleaser. I don't always do the right thing but I try. I want a better relationship with God. I push people away if they get too close. I am scared that everything will go wrong.  Say a prayer for Bubbles. MoTard said at church on Sunday that you should be in a constant struggle in your relationship with God. If you are struggling then you have a grasp on Him. If you are not struggling and asking questions then you have let go. Of all the things that people have said to me in the past few weeks, this made a lot of sense. 

It has been a long weekend and my spring break is almost over. Thursday we were out of school but had meetings all day. I know meetings don't sound like a whole lot of fun but they were surprisingly not that bad. After the meetings were over I had T Power take me by the Pharmacy and my house so I could get some sweats.  I got sweats so that I could go back to school and participate in a "lock in". Now don''t worry I was not in any danger, the doors were not locked (i checked). We did play dodge ball and kick ball as well as hen's and chicks.   If you have never met me I just want to warn you that I am a bit competitive and I may have gotten mad in kick ball and thrown it a little hard at my bosses wife. Oh well, she was out.  After all the old people were tuckered out from a long day of meetings and then a few intense games we left the building for the day. A few people stuck around and decided that it was time for some mexican food.....and drink.   A good tim...

I asked Mel for a letter of reference today. My reply was a no, why do you want to leave and where are you going. It is not that I don't like were I am at. I love the people, all of them. They are all wonderful in their own way. I don't agree with the politics though. I just find myself asking, "Is this it?"  "Is this where I am supposed to be for the rest of my life?" I know it shouldn't be..... but one of my biggest fears is ending up alone. I don't want to grow old by myself. I want kids, I want a legacy. (reminds me of grandma:) I know that I shouldn't need this to feel complete, and I don't. I don't want someone that completes me. I am complete. I want someone that compliments me.  I am a strong and vivacious woman and I am not asking for that part of me to be taken away. I just want someone to talk about my day with when it is over. Someone to give me the himelik if I choke. Is that too much to ask? I am not asking for sympathy. You...

I have two dates possible for my sky diving  escapade, May 16 of June 6.  I am using archway skydiving, a couple friends used them a few years ago and really enjoyed themselves. I am feeling good about this whole thing.

I assume at times in everyones life there is a feeling of unrest. Wondering if we are living our life to the fullest is a feeling that comes to me often. Last night I had an epiphany, with the help of some good friends and Tequilla. I am not putting myself out there like I should be. I am single, young and free. There are things to be done. I intend on doing them, or at least some of them.  I found a "bucket list", tough that sounds a bit morbid and since I don't plan on dying soon. I think I will have to refer to it as a "Live List". This is just a start, I reserve all rights to add and subtract things as I go. Today is my day, nothing can stop me.